Face To Face

Why won’t God just promise to do what I want Him to do?

It sounds like a crazy question for a Believer, but if we’re honest, we’ve all thought it. As I stand in the back of this plane I’m currently on for three hours, marching in place, I realize that any anxiety I’ve ever had stems from an improper perspective of the answers to this question.

You see, I am due to go in for a c-section in 5 weeks, and I’m marching vigorously to prevent blood clots. My college friend, Devin Heatley (a brilliant, cool and kind soul) passed away last week after surgery, and my impending surgery and all that could go wrong is on my mind.

These days I have less ammunition with which to self-soothe after another dear friend and brother passed away suddenly in September. I can’t honestly tell myself that “God won’t do that.”

So I’m here. Back to the same questions I allowed to terrorize me and bring great anxiety as a new mom when Gabriel was born. What if what I think are the worst things that could happen happened? The only answer I’ve found that actually brings peace is that God would still be good and faithful.

How can I accept that, you ask? How does that answer bring me peace? Because of my faith in a real God that I’ve encountered for real. Safety and security are promised to me in Heaven, but not before. Real life without disappointment is promised to me in Heaven but not here. I’ve experienced God being “near the broken-hearted” and making a horrible situation one for which I didn’t despise Him.

This time my answers to anxiety’s panicked questions are deeply rooted in my faith. Because I’ve been in the presence of God and know that He’s real for myself. And I told Him that my life was His, and I’m managing that decision humbly everyday. Life is full of uncertainties and everyone has their round with heartache. So, today and everyday filled with God’s peace will be met with my gratitude. What God allows will not always be easy, but He promised me it would be good.

And for my happily-ever-after, I’m looking forward to seeing Him face to face.